Martha vs. Maxine:

vs.

Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!


Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine:  Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.  Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.


Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine:  Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Maxine:  If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'


Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine:  Celery? Never heard of it!


Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine:  The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine:  Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine:  Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.


Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine:  Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

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Kids are Quick!

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TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:  Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:   No, that's wrong

GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:  H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:  Me!

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TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE:  I is..

TEACHER:  No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:  All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree, but also admitted  it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:  Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:  No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :  No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:  A teacher

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25 Things I learned from my Mother:

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2.  My mother taught me RELIGION:.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4.  My mother taught me LOGIC:

" Because I said so, that's why."


5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7.  My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12.  My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"


13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"


15.  My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

"Just wait until we get home."


17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING:

"You are going to get it when you get home!"


18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."


19.  My mother taught me ESP:

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20.  My mother taught me HUMOR:

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22.  My mother taught me GENETICS:

"You're just like your father."


23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS:

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24.  My mother taught me WISDOM:

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


25. And finally, my mother taught me about JUSTICE:
 
 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you